{"id":2821,"date":"2025-01-28T08:09:09","date_gmt":"2025-01-28T08:09:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/expecting.ai\/blog\/?p=2821"},"modified":"2026-08-09T05:19:58","modified_gmt":"2026-08-09T05:19:58","slug":"navigating-the-emotional-journey-of-surrogacy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/expecting.ai\/blog\/parenting\/navigating-the-emotional-journey-of-surrogacy\/","title":{"rendered":"Navigating the Emotional Journey of Surrogacy"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Understanding the Journey<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Surrogacy is inherently challenging. It demands considerable effort, financial investment, time, and patience. You may find yourself in the role of a passenger for much of this journey, which can be frustrating.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There will be ups and downs in this process, and knowing how to regulate your system can go a long way towards a successful experience for you and your loved ones. It is helpful to find stress reduction strategies that work best for you and practice them regularly. People often say they don\u2019t meditate because they cannot focus. It\u2019s been said that this idea is akin to thinking you shouldn\u2019t take a shower because you are too dirty. Sharing your intention to actively manage your stress and trying new strategies are also something you can share with your gestational carrier. Those tools may be very helpful to her, and sharing them can also enhance your mutual experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>The Importance of the Gestational Carrier Relationship<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Some intended parents may underestimate the importance of the relationship with their gestational carrier. However, a strong, respectful relationship with her is essential. She plays a crucial role in your life, and your commitment to this relationship before it begins can set you up for success.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><a href=\"https:\/\/expecting.ai\/surrogates\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Choosing a gestational carrier<\/a> involves more than proximity or lifestyle habits. Consider her views on critical issues such as termination and medical testing. Discussing these matters with <a href=\"https:\/\/expecting.ai\/legal-consultants\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">your attorney<\/a> can provide a framework for handling potential problems.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Here are some aspects to consider:&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<ul class=\"wp-block-list\"><li><strong>Pregnancy termination and medical testing:<\/strong>&nbsp;Discuss values and expectations before matching and review them with independent attorneys. The gestational carrier remains the person who gives or refuses consent for medical care involving her body and pregnancy. Intended parents can express preferences and participate in advance discussions, but those preferences do not replace the carrier&#8217;s medical autonomy.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Pumping:<\/strong>&nbsp;Determine if you want the carrier to provide colostrum or pump breast milk, which is after the baby is born.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Delivery room presence:<\/strong>&nbsp;Decide if you want to be present in the delivery room and discuss this with your carrier.&nbsp;<\/li><li><strong>Relationship dynamics:<\/strong>&nbsp;Understand the carrier&#8217;s preference for closeness and contact. Some may want frequent visits and communication, while others may prefer more independence.<\/li><\/ul>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Understanding the Gestational Carrier&#8217;s Role<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Gestational carriers are often altruistic individuals who value giving to others. While they are compensated, the money is not substantial compared to the life-altering job they undertake. Acknowledging and appreciating this can strengthen your relationship. Small gestures of kindness, like remembering special occasions or giving small gifts, can make a significant impact. It is not necessary to send flowers and chocolates to your gestational carrier every week, but things like remembering her birthday, wishing her partner luck on a job interview, or sending a card when her child graduates kindergarten can go a long way in helping her feel your care. She is dedicated to helping you grow your family, but she does not want to feel like \u201can oven.\u201d The more she feels cared about as an individual, the better for everyone. This can be difficult to do, especially if you are grieving the loss of your ability to carry yourself, but it is so important.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If you are having difficulty attending to her, two things may be helpful. First, meet with a seasoned mental health professional who has experience in surrogacy. There are so many complicated feelings in surrogacy, especially for women who are not able to carry their own pregnancy. These feelings can be mixed and confusing. You may feel excited for her one day and jealous the next. You may love attending appointments but have difficulty talking to her about buying maternity clothes. The delivery may be the greatest experience of your life, as you can watch your baby being born, but there may be milestones along the way that can trigger losses and difficulties you endured in your journey.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Second, it can be helpful to talk to your gestational carrier about your struggles. Typically, these women are caring and sensitive, and while you don\u2019t want to make the relationship all about your feelings, you can tell her that certain times, procedures, or topics are difficult for you. She can provide a compassionate ear, and the two of you can bond over these subjects together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Regular Communication<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Regular communication can help, but there is no universally correct schedule; agree on a rhythm that feels comfortable to both the intended parents and gestational carrier. This relationship is often likened to an arranged marriage, requiring intentional efforts to grow. Initially, the relationship may develop naturally; after all, you are both excited about the same thing\u2014your future baby. However, as time passes, things can change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Once the pregnancy stabilizes, there will be fewer subjects to discuss. You won\u2019t be consumed by legal agreements, doctor visits, and tension-filled moments waiting for results. While it is a nice time since the pregnancy is going well, the relationship is no longer new, and the initial \u201cgetting to know you\u201d is over. You now may ask her about doctor\u2019s visits, and she may tell you how she is feeling. It is possible to talk about the pregnancy a great deal. After all, the pregnancy is the thing that unites you. While this makes sense because that is why you are both connecting, it can leave her feeling like you are no longer interested in her life, and she can feel objectified. At the same time, you are not having those initial conversations when the relationship was new, and you were feeling smitten with each other. This can lead you to feel more distant at a time when you want to feel even closer. After all, your baby no longer looks like a piece of rice on the ultrasound pictures; you can now see your baby\u2019s face, and your baby is in someone\u2019s body far from you.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If we can think about other relationships where we get to know someone, we see it works best when we see them face-to-face. Think about the last time there was a new employee at work. Perhaps you didn\u2019t pay much attention to them, but after seeing them in the hallways, at the holiday party, and in the washroom day after day, you start to feel more comfortable around them. One day, months later, you sit next to them in a meeting, and they don\u2019t feel \u201cnew\u201d to you anymore. This is because you saw them face-to-face over and over.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The same is true with your relationship with your surrogate. If you schedule a weekly Zoom or FaceTime call, you see each other face-to-face each week. It may seem like a lot, but before you know it, you may be exchanging recipes and family stories. Soon, a foundation will be formed in the relationship, and by the time you get to the middle of the pregnancy, you will have a bond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Not only will this bond help you stay close during the quiet times, but all of those discussions will give you nice memories to record and share with your future child (take a look at\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/familybuilding.net\/product\/life-book\/\">My<\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/familybuilding.net\/product\/life-book\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"> <\/a><a href=\"https:\/\/familybuilding.net\/product\/life-book\/\">Lifebook<\/a>\u00a0or this issue&#8217;s article about\u00a0<a href=\"https:\/\/publ.allpathsfb.org\/2024-volume-2\/the-power-of-narrative-family-storytelling-diverse-families-and-donor-conception\/index.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">family storytelling<\/a>\u00a0for examples of books created for this purpose). This plan can also shield you from a potential problem. If something goes wrong, and hopefully it doesn\u2019t, it is very difficult to have a heart-to-heart with someone with whom you do not feel close.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<h2 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><strong>Future Considerations<\/strong><\/h2>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Consider the future relationship with your gestational carrier. Your child may want to meet her one day, so setting a positive precedent now is important. The \u201cbaby fog\u201d is real, and you may be not only exhausted but consumed by well-meaning family and friends when you arrive home. Before you know it, you may forget to reach out to your carrier. She may feel this intense connection to you (carriers often feel just as connected or more to their intended parents than the baby), having spent so much time communicating with you over the past year or more, and then all of a sudden feel like she fell off a cliff. To avoid this, it can be helpful to put reminders in your phone to call or text her or send pictures of you and your family with the baby. Nothing will make her happier.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Surrogacy can bring excitement, grief, uncertainty and changing relationship dynamics. Learn how intended parents can communicate respectfully while protecting the gestational carrier&#8217;s medical autonomy.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":14,"featured_media":2822,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[7,1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2821","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-parenting","category-surrogacy","entry"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.2 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Navigating the Emotional Journey of Surrogacy<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Learn practical ways intended parents can manage uncertainty, stress, communication and expectations during a surrogacy journey while building a healthy support system.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, 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